Four years ago I connected with a man and quickly started an intense love affair after a divorce that left me starving for both emotional and physical affection. This man was the answer to my prayers, doting attentively to my every need sexually as well as filling a hole in my heart left from an entire adulthood of choosing extremely self centered men. None of these men seemed to be able to take responsibility for their actions and found it easier to blame me for their own inadequacies. This man was raptured with me and I loved it.
I loved it until I found myself unable to breath. I was still getting used to the idea of raising my children on my own let alone introducing them to a man who was not their father. I was grieving the loss of the “great love” that I had recently discovered I had walked away from earlier in life, and of course dealing with all the drama connected to having children with and marrying a fucktard. I had spent the last year of my marriage in love with another man with my husband having zero suspicions. The second to last year was spent crying myself to sleep most nights without so much as a glance from my husband combined with various attempts at trying to force connection. Not only did he not seem interested, he never respected or followed through with what I said I needed to remain in the marriage. I remember talking with a religious leader about “whether I could continue to grow my relationship with God while in the marriage.” I was finally able to say without a doubt that the answer was no.
The crazy and confusing part of it all was that suddenly after years of trying unsuccessfully to get my ex-husband’s attention, he was suddenly interested. Not interested in me necessarily but what he noticed and could not control……including my new love interest. He became jealous and rageful; even making a Child Protective Services report claiming this new man should not be around his children. His jealousy seemed to go hand in hand with the lack of control he seemed to be able to have on my life, my home and my decisions.
Need-less-to-say, I had a full plate but I enjoyed the attention and found my new love to be fun, interesting and spiritual. It soon became apparent that he had a high need to talk often and spend much more time together than I had to spare. I often felt intruded upon and soon became resentful. I never could express myself adequately and soon the affair was over. Although relieved, I anticipated the possibility of reconnecting in a month or so to check in and see if life had calmed down for me. That never occurred because he moved on.
I eventually moved on with my own dysfunctional life, engaged in more fucktard repetition and in March of 2016 ran into him again. This time with a conscious delay of gratification, I waited a couple weeks to take the bait. But because we “love who we love,” the fire was immediately reignited and the flame was even more hot and intense. With my newfound insight, empowerment and skills, I decided that I was getting this ex back but this time I was going to figure out how to keep him.
Tonight will make the second time I have called him on not respecting my needs and wishes. It’s funny how a lifetime of having your boundaries stomped on makes you start to question your own sanity. I no longer seem to be willing to allow my fear of someone else’s anger or disapproval to guide my actions. The price is too high and the resentment inevitably leads to the relationship downfall. Nowadays I do start to question my ability to accurately and firmly state what I require to feel safe in a relationship. This is new territory for me and it takes me a while to figure it out. I have explained my need for space in the kindest and most compassionate way that I know how more than once now. I’m still not being heard.
So I’m thinking the way to get your ex back is to fail to learn the first time what they were sent to teach you. If tolerating rejection is a dating superpower, my superhero acquired it while searching for her voice. Finding my voice over and over again until finally being heard is the plot of my Shakespearean play. And if one sided love is no fun, one sided needs is no walk in the park! I’m not sure how many times I will allow this tragedy to play out before walking away this time, but it is a deal breaker for me.
I too am learning that not all men are fucktards and to get to the heart of the matter, I must put my attention to my own internal little girl whose physical boundaries were violated, and for whom emotions were never validated. I must be heard and understood by any man who wishes to be with me. It’s part of my own attunement.