Your a Jerk

Dearest Mom,

Your a jerk.  You have no clue how to be a mother to a young girl.  I look at my friend Beth who’s mother is her best friend and I watch the way she relates and listens to her.  You could learn from her mom ya know.  You don’t think you can learn from anyone though. Your disapproving looks or obvious discomfort at anything that does not fit your picture perfect world makes me sick.  I enjoy spending time with Beth and her mom.  They like me over there and really listen to me.  I would live there if I could.

Your so caught up in your own life; cleaning and making things perfect.  The only thing you really pay attention to is whether I have my feet or dishes on the coffee table.  You get so mad at how messy my room is and constantly tell me what to do.  You never just want to sit down and talk and if I try to talk to you, you usually tell me I’m wrong for something I think or feel. Oh and my favorite is when you tell me what a “chip I have on my shoulder.”  You have such disgust and hatred on your face when you say it.  You hate me mom.  That is clear.

I think I know why you made me go to this stupid snobby high school.  You are desperate to try and make me like you.  I don’t fit in there mom.  First, I’m not smart….or at least don’t feel that way while I am there.  My best friend seems to be branching out yet I feel stuck; it’s hard to make new friends.  People like me but I’m too dumb to see it.  I feel fat and my brain is foggy while I’m at school.  Mornings are hard and I don’t want to get out of bed.  I come home and just fall asleep in my uniform so the mornings are easier.  Homework is not something I care about.

I am starting to go out on the weekends though and I have found something that makes things a little easier……alcohol mom, you should try it!  I have had a couple of great parties while you and dad are gone.  I really know how to throw a bash and no one seemed to notice that some of dad’s liquor was gone.  I guess there is no telling how much he drinks on any given day!  Boys seem to like me too mom; I know that makes you happy.  I’m a little scared of them to tell you the truth.  My favorite friend is Todd but ever since I introduced him and Beth, our friendship seems to be coming to an end.  This makes me sad.  I guess I’ll keep hanging out with that boy Pat.  I don’t know whether I like him or not but he really likes me so I guess that’s all that matters.  He seems kind of experienced in the physical stuff but he knows I’m not and does not go very far when we are alone on the couch in the basement.  I feel both safe and unsafe when I’m with him mom.  I could really care less about having a boyfriend but it was fun when  you invited all the friends over before the Winter dance and cooked for us.  I remember shopping for my outfit and how proud you were when we picked out the blue dress and spikey necklace.  I looked just how you wanted me to look.  You do seem to know how boys like me to look.  I guess I’ll keep dying my hair this ridiculous blond like you.  Blonds have more fun right?

I’m still figuring out that you are less of a jerk when I conform to your standards.  It’s hard to do that when I’m in the middle of trying to become my own person.  I wish you cared about the person I am becoming.  That might help me.  I feel so lost.

Your Daughter

(P.S. Sorry for the night I called you a bitch.  I bet it made you feel good when dad rushed in to slap me.  It must be nice for someone to have your back.  Also, that sneaking out thing was no big deal.  Just wanted to do it once.  Sorry you were so scared.  You seemed more angry though.  It makes me laugh to think about you sitting up waiting with your arms crossed when we got back home.  I can’t believe you made my friend go home in the middle of the night.  That was a little harsh)





One thought on “Your a Jerk

  1. How beautiful to see a part emerge and speak out for herself- for her true self. Unattach from the rejection sweet girl and come join us in the light where we celebrate who you are. We will help you out of the sticker bushes when you need us and help you wash off all the dirt. Then we can laugh together about all that happened and watch you blossom.

    Liked by 1 person

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