I’m literally lost. Im in a new and different state which is exciting and an adventure but I can’t seem to go anywhere without getting lost. It scares the shit out of me since I don’t know anyone to ask for help. I was so thankful for this second chance at adventure. I know I let you down when I didn’t get into that college you wanted; you know the one that you thought would increase my odds of finding husband material? I know you were just glad I was going somewhere…..you could not wait to get rid of me. I just blindly went through the motions of preparing to leave home.
After I was there a year, I was so terribly lost. Some bad things happened to me mom and soon it felt like a snowball. I think I blurted out what happened to me once but your reaction was minimal. I mostly remember feeling that you blamed me for any situations I may have put myself in. I blamed myself too so at least we agreed on something for once.
I became increasingly heavy with emotional pain and felt the need to run. You never really seemed to want to talk to me so I called and talked to dad sometimes. He sensed my heaviness one night and asked if I wanted to drop a class. Each time he asked about dropping a class I felt a little relief yet he still sensed how lost I was. He finally asked the million dollar question, “do you want to drop out?” He was there to pick me up the next day. I remember “shithead” trolling around in the parking lot of the dorm watching me pack my stuff into my father’s car. I guess he thought I might become overcome with desire and decide to stay. I was too lost to feel anything. I was just going through the motions. I needed to regroup and reevaluate my education and my life.
Seems like although I got involved with shady stuff when I returned, I eventually turned it around. I got back into college and for the first time saw that I was actually pretty smart. Still lost, but no longer lost and stupid. I started to realize there were resources that could have helped me when those bad things happened. I couldn’t understand why I was not directed to them and I still didn’t feel I had permission to use them myself. I remember going to someone once for outside help but after learning how much I had been drinking, she wanted me to complete some sort of specialized assessment. I’m not sure whether I wanted to do that but I know you and dad were pretty cool with me not going back. I was dam sure not gonna let anyone question the one thing that seemed to hep me cope with how lost I was.
Im still using alcohol to cope mom but more stuff is available now and although fun, it’s kind of scary at times. I feel a bit like a hypocrite since I’m studying to go into a profession that often treats those engaging in such high risk behaviors. It will be ok though because I am different and I can stop whenever I want. The problem is I probably can’t if I keep hanging out with the same people. The ones who like me the most seem to party the most. I work hard to keep up with them but my depression is getting worse and now I get these migraine headaches. I seem to go through spells of not being able to stop eating and to top it off I think I have managed to get myself pregnant. I’m not really sure who I am anymore.
Why did you make me go upstairs and tell dad after I told you about the abortion? I was so distraught and you could not handle it. Neither could dad. I still remember he was drinking a Manhattan in bed and got up and layed on the ground. He kept saying he was not feeling right but it had nothing to do with what I had just told him. I just remember feeling more lost and eventually walking out of the room. I wonder if it was confusing for you to try and parent with him while he was intoxicated? I remember finding him passed out behind that building after we had that 8th grade party. He seemed so proud of his sons who were playing the music but I guess in all the excitement he drank too much. I seem to always drink too much yet I can’t imagine giving it up. Once I start I don’t feel so lost. I can handle anything.
Im sorry I’m back home again. You seem so annoyed that I can’t seem to fly away from you. Don’t worry, I can’t handle how shitty you make me feel. My best friend is letting me crash on her couch until I manage to find a real job. I am determined to make it on my own.
Your independent 25 year old daughter