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I’m Lost And Need to Come Home

Dear Mom,

I’m literally lost.  Im in a new and different state which is exciting and an adventure but I can’t seem to go anywhere without getting lost.  It scares the shit out of me since I don’t know anyone to ask for help.  I was so thankful for this second chance at adventure. I know I let you down when I didn’t get into that college you wanted; you know the one that you thought would increase my odds of finding husband material?  I know you were just glad I was going somewhere…..you could not wait to get rid of me. I just blindly went through the motions of preparing to leave home.

After I was there a year, I was so terribly lost.  Some bad things happened to me mom and soon it felt like a snowball. I think I blurted out what happened to me once but your reaction was minimal.  I mostly remember feeling that you blamed me for any situations I may have put myself in.  I blamed myself too so at least we agreed on something for once.

I became increasingly heavy with emotional pain and felt the need to run.  You never really seemed to want to talk to me so I called and talked to dad sometimes.  He sensed my heaviness one night and asked if I wanted to drop a class. Each time he asked about dropping a class I felt a little relief yet he still sensed how lost I was.  He finally asked the million dollar question, “do you want to drop out?”  He was there to pick me up the next day.  I remember “shithead” trolling around in the parking lot of the dorm watching me pack my stuff into my father’s car.  I guess he thought I might become overcome with desire and decide to stay.  I was too lost to feel anything. I was just going through the motions. I needed to regroup and reevaluate my education and my life.

Seems like although I got involved with shady stuff when I returned, I eventually turned it around.  I got back into college and for the first time saw that I was actually pretty smart.  Still lost, but no longer lost and stupid.  I started to realize there were resources that could have helped me when those bad things happened.  I couldn’t understand why I was not directed to them and I still didn’t feel I had permission to use them myself.  I remember going to someone once for outside help but after learning how much I had been drinking, she wanted me to complete some sort of specialized assessment.  I’m not sure whether I wanted to do that but I know you and dad were pretty cool with me not going back.  I was dam sure not gonna let anyone question the one thing that seemed to hep me cope with how lost I was.

Im still using alcohol to cope mom but more stuff is available now and although fun, it’s kind of scary at times.  I feel a bit like a hypocrite since I’m studying to go into a profession that often treats those engaging in such high risk behaviors.  It will be ok though because I am different and I can stop whenever I want. The problem is I probably can’t if I keep hanging out with the same people.  The ones who like me the most seem to party the most.  I work hard to keep up with them but my depression is getting worse and now I get these migraine headaches.  I seem to go through spells of not being able to stop eating and to top it off I think I have managed to get myself pregnant.  I’m not really sure who I am anymore.

Why did you make me go upstairs and tell dad after I told you about the abortion?  I was so distraught and you could not handle it.  Neither could dad.  I still remember he was drinking a Manhattan in bed and got up and layed on the ground.  He kept saying he was not feeling right but it had nothing to do with what I had just told him.  I just remember feeling more lost and eventually walking out of the room.  I wonder if it was confusing for you to try and parent with him while he was intoxicated?  I remember finding him passed out behind that building after we had that 8th grade party.  He seemed so proud of his sons who were playing the music but I guess in all the excitement he drank too much.  I seem to always drink too much yet I can’t imagine giving it up. Once I start I don’t feel so lost.  I can handle anything.

Im sorry I’m back home again.  You seem so annoyed that I can’t seem to fly away from you.  Don’t worry, I can’t handle how shitty you make me feel.  My best friend is letting me crash on her couch until I manage to find a real job. I am determined to make it on my own.

Sincerely,

Your independent 25 year old daughter

 

 

 

 

 

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One thought on “I’m Lost And Need to Come Home

  1. It’s very hard to imagine how a mother wouldn’t love and adore such a beautiful smart and good hearted young person- her own daughter. She should be on her knees thanking God for her blessing. She completely missed it. That is very sad for her because something very wrong is going on there. She must have been emotionally damaged. However, God has made you more spiritual, stronger and more compassionate- he has turned this rejection into good- for you.

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