While we are on the topic of writing letters for healing, I’m going to write one for my dad from someone who wants to say something in here.
You are one big disappointment. You were never the dad I needed or wanted. I have spent my whole life with the knowledge that you didn’t really want a girl. So I was nothing to you and you repeatedly let me know it with your anger and scary behavior.
I was scared of you my whole life: scared of who you would hurt, scared you’d fly into a rage, scared of being around you. Sometimes you’d be charming and act as if I were someone you wanted or liked in your life and that was confusing, because most of the time I felt like a nuisance to you.
You hide behind religion. You were never the kind of dad to help me out with a car or college or be around when my kids were born yet you go to Israel every year to show how religious you are.
I started the inward practice of going to the empty well. It is funny, you are so religious yet I know if I asked you for help today you would deny me. And you are probably the only person in my life right now who could help me out financially.
And now that I am older, I am appalled that anyone could withhold support from their own children like that. Why did you even have kids? I know you didn’t want me but still… It’s deplorable to me that you have the means and power to help me, but refuse to and would rather watch your daughter suffer.
Part of me wants to call you and shake you and tell you to help me. Part of me wants to chew you out and cuss at you. Part of me wants to keep ignoring you like I have been.
But you linger like toxic perfume. My patterns with men have been taught to me by you: that men are abusive, that they leave, that they are unreliable and disappointing, that they aren’t who they say they are, that they don’t want what they say they want.
And I am confused around men, mostly. I don’t know what to do with them. I’m mad that I set up dances with distant men…distant in proximity or distance in emotion. Part of me is mad that I haven’t completely healed yet. It feels in some ways that I am only beginning.
I’m mad that I engaged in repetition compulsion and married a man just like you. He pulls so hard to be good dad on the outside while attempting to financially cripple me.
And there’s the rub. Isn’t my daddy supposed to help me with bullies, not be on the side of bullies? Isn’t my daddy supposed to model telling off those bullies? Isn’t part of being a dad being protective and benevolent?
My daddy would never care enough to do that…doesn’t care if I’m alive.
There is more to mine here. I just heard that yet again my ex gets to be an asshole, legally. I am disappointed for the kids and reminding myself there are good men.