Uncategorized

Finding Gratitude

I was thinking today about anger. In the situation I’m in, where a richer family has used their resources to bully me and make sure they financially cripple me and use me to fatten their pockets while I am now eligible for food stamps, it is completely understandable that I’d spend a lot of time wrestling with anger. It IS maddening. It’s completely unfair. the court system is like being in upside down and backwards land. It defies logic, common sense, and any code of ethics and morality. It is, simply put, on all levels, WRONG.

But in the stronger part of my heart, after I realize that only really bad human beings do that to another, and only really bad human beings have no sense of shame for what they’ve done, I can look at myself and the work I’ve done and say, “good job. I AM NOT LIKE THEM IN ANY WAY.” I don’t abuse people for fun. I have remorse and care about my relationships. I’m on a spiritual path. I seek to become more self-aware and mindful of others. I AM A REAL HUMAN BEING.

This makes me want to fall to my knees in such deep gratitude, because I no longer have to suffer through hours and hours of family gatherings where the dysfunction is so deep it sticks to your shoes and the hems of your pants. I no longer have to dread my husband coming home, or spiral into a pool of frustration at trying to be heard. He was like being married to a wailing wall…he was the wall, I wailed. He is still like that and he and his rich family have cost me a shit ton of money…at least, a shit ton for me.

After plenty of moments of panic, sleepless, anxious nights wondering how I was going to cut my income by nearly 10,000 dollars this year to pay him, since he won’t accept payments and he is garnishing my wages, I came to a moment of rest and strength. I thought, wait a minute. I would suffer through ANYTHING to be away from that abusive family. I don’t care HOW much I have to pay him. Here, your millionaire mother needs another five thousand out of my yearly 35 thousand? Great…TAKE IT. It only shows how petty and foolish and cruel YOU are.

I have bought my soul back from the Devil. I will pay anything to buy my soul back from the Devil because I am worth it. The Devils, the Fucktards, the Trumps, the abusers of the world, hear me loud and clear: I will pay you all the money in the world you need because I have a soul and you don’t. It’s only money anyway, and you can let it help you when you’re old and decrepit. Want my marrow? Want my blood? Want my house? Fine, take it all, as long as I never ever have to be in relationship with you again.

You lost me. I am a person of worth and of light and of love. You messed up. It’s your mistake. Your evildoing. Your cruelty. Your lack of morality.

Thank you so much for helping me see!! I am beyond happy to be free of you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Watch me dance my life as a prayer of thanksgiving. Watch my happiness fly freely to all around me.

Advertisements

One thought on “Finding Gratitude

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s