In addition to mustering up my own power through healing, I have a 13-year-old daughter to protect and teach. Yesterday, I went through her phone. It is part of the deal with her having a phone that I pay for. I found out a 13-year-old boy was asking her for nudes and offering to send her dick pics. I instantly launched into full-on mothering freak-out mode, at least on the inside. When in this mode, I go to the safest place in the house: the bathroom.
Once I had regained my senses and figured out what to do, I confronted her about the texts I’d seen, gently. She had lied about meeting this boy, and so we had to have a talk about that. I have always kept an open door policy with my children, and she had even shown me some texts last week from another boy asking her for nudes. We talked about it and she had blocked him. So I know, because of the positive interaction we’d had around that, that she felt safe. She was not lying to me because she didn’t feel safe. She was lying to me because she’s 13 and she doesn’t understand all the ins and outs of boys, nor should she be expected to. As her mother, I want to explore this with her so she is respected and honored and protected. She doesn’t understand that meeting boys she hardly knows at the park to talk about the parameters of “dick pics” is not a smart thing to do. We talked a bit about rape and what that means, and being safe.
I’m still feeling out what needs to be said to her and what kind of guidance I need to give her. But I had a thought in the middle of all this. Her dad is not going to give her that kind of advice. Chances are, he won’t even have those kinds of conversations with her. It wouldn’t matter anyway because he doesn’t see her mother as a person…he can’t set an example of how a woman should be treated. He can’t back up his words. And his booting me out of his life completely gave me the freedom to teach her. My subsequent healing also gave me the freedom to do that…to be more present with my children and to set an example of strength and respect.
When I lived with him, he was dead weight as far as parenting was concerned. He was like the boss who’d come in, work everyone in a tizzy, then retreat to his upstairs office where no one saw him until the shift was over. No sense of fair play or team spirit. But I embodied the re-enactment and became a different person. I took the “tizzying” personally. I became a shell of a person, irritated, angry, protecting HIS interests at the expense of my children. Of course I feel incredible guilt and remorse over that. I sacrificed my children’s needs so he could be happy. And I was forced to sacrifice their needs through family court, again, so he could be “happy”, whatever happiness is to a fucktard. I gave up my power so he could have all of it, and in the process, set an utterly crappy example of strong, capable womanhood for my kids.
But now, thank GOD, they don’t have to see that. They see me being strong. They see me loving and protecting them. They see me messing up and trying again. They see me, for the most part, awake and aware, although I’m still a lot more dissociated than I’d like to be. But they don’t see me assuming the victimhood of an abused woman. They see their dad seething with disrespect and contradiction. They see their dad selfish and irresponsible. They see their dad weak and lacking ambition. But those things are now separated from me, whereas before, I took on the weight of those weaknesses. I don’t have to any more.
I am free to forge a healthy, open relationship with my children and show them real love and respect. We laugh a LOT more at my house than we did before.
For all my struggling, I am grateful that I have this. My relationship with my children, unburdened and unfettered by the albatross-around-my-neck-fucktard. I still have to clean up his messes and the residue of his selfishness, but I don’t have to let my kids watch him bring me down.
THAT is cunt power, and I’m happy to own it. My daughter will learn how to pick a man who respects her, and my son will learn how to respect a woman.