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Extremities

Tonight, I’m venting. I’m frustrated with a part of myself that keeps obsessing over an ex. When I step back, I know I am obsessing over rejection, abandonment, fear, and feeling not good enough. Lord, I have been subject to so many acts of emotional terrorism, why do I go back to this ONE over and over on occasion? It’s not like I would ever take him back, because who could ever trust someone like that again unless they’d REALLY changed…..like deep healing and complete personality overhaul change.

Because I do not always connect the dots and I write to remind myself. When my critic is out, when I’m dissociated, often simultaneously, something is up. I had just been reading a book that triggered me. I went ahead and grieved the dad wounds. But the next day, I obsessed. This guy just represents my dad. Someone who would lead me on like he cared about me then drops me is not a loving person and is not capable of a healthy relationship. I repeat, avoidants are not capable of a healthy relationship and that is a typical avoidant ploy. Fuck, I tried to be nice and compassionate but that’s too much work. It’s actual WORK to feel like you have to be nice and forgiving to someone who has mistreated you. My dad was a narcissist and the confusing, conflicting behaviors and words left me to learn how to tolerate an emotional void and keep it going. I also participate in that by repeatedly choosing avoidants because it is easy to hide behind an avoidant. They don’t offer much by way of emotional depth and so that means I don’t have to be too vulnerable. Yet oddly enough, for all that protection and hiding I am still vulnerable to rejection and that just hurts.

Bring in things like biology and how a breakup is basically like getting off of crack, how I didn’t want to have a clue that he was about to break up with me, how that allure of picture-perfect family is so fucking seductive to me. Like a serious siren it pulls me in, and makes me lose my mind, and causes me to obsess over it a fucking year later. Obsess over someone who forgot that I even exist and who trotted off happily as if I never happened. Obsess over the illusion…he never had something real to offer me anyway.

Oddly enough, it also comes when I am being loved on. I spent some time with my lover, an attentive, caring man who doesn’t run away and who likes me and has for over 10 months. Of course I have all kinds of doubts and fears come up…some completely warranted, others having to do with my own trepidation and fear and nothing to do with him.

Again, I remind myself. This is a lot of emotional energy given to a three-month affair. It isn’t about him. I repeat: it isn’t even remotely about him. He can’t love me, great. So this situation calls for me to put on my mining hat and take up my pick. It needs to be chipped away at, dug into, turned over again and again and examined thoroughly. All of this feeling and obsessing is like a bow. It’s my arm pulling back the bow, taking aim with my arrow at a focal point of healing dad issues. Healing my issues around my dad is my focal point. I honestly don’t know what to do with him…my dad…I go back and forth between wanting to talk to him and feeling rejected and wanting nothing to do with him, ever. This is where my parts work comes in handy. My parts want him dead and gone and want me to be “over it” but he persists in my healing work. Everywhere you look in the online communities, “no contact” is seen as the healthy way to deal with a narcissist or dysfunctional person. I am questioning that for myself, since rigid, black and white approaches don’t always work. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t. I have to do what is right for my healing. I have not talked to my dad in over a year and it’s not the first time we’ve shut each other out. Yes, I blame him as much as myself because he has the opportunity to ask me, “hey, what’s wrong? What can I do to be in your life?” but I cannot expect that of him.

Today, I was thinking about anger again. I was starting to get good and pissed at ex-tard and his irresponsible ways and how it triggers me when people perform righteousness on the surface while being black and evil in their hearts. I read somewhere how anger is a sign of healing, how it means your self is emerging. I believe that. I also believe I have not gotten nearly angry enough.

So, nothing much to impart by way of insight except that rejection lead to obsession which lead to dad issues which lead to sadness and anger and healing. It’s like cleaning house. You know how when you clean house, you get out everything and for awhile it looks messier as you move piles around, get rid of stuff, move furniture to clean the corners and clear the clutter? This is emotional house cleaning…moving things around so I can clear the clutter and cleanse with grief.

And I don’t deserve “men” who act like little boys and run away instead of facing a problem. I am worth more than a rejection. I can have compassion for the men that left me like that while still knowing that isn’t for me. So I will go listen to my critic who is beating up on me for thinking about these guys and let myself be lead straight into the arms of my Self while sobbing over my original rejector and tormentor, my father.

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