Psycholobitches live in a magical place. It is a place filled with laughter, compassion, grace, and fun. It is pretty much the whole world, because you can find honest bitches everywhere you look.
But we had to become Psycholobitches because of frequent trips to an equally magical, but completely delusional place called Fucktardia. In Fucktardia, Fucktards abound and have this magical ability to create an image of perfection. Oh, how beautiful and perfect this image looks! How it glitters and seduces with its promises. But once you’ve lived in Fucktardia for awhile, you find out that anything promised is fake. One dyed-in-the-wool resident of Fucktardia I encountered was one of the worst. She would behave as if she had nothing to do with Fucktardia by pointing out all the things wrong with all of its residents. She even used words like, “critical”, “enmeshed”, “projection” to call out what she saw and professed her fear of its other residents. It was so convincing to everyone, and looked like she really had a handle on what was going on. But then, she would go and behave exactly like the people she criticized and judged. And she put on the appearance that she supported and even loved that kind of behavior, the very behavior she criticized. She could not be bothered to see her role in Fucktardia, that even though she appeared to lean toward psychological health by using the language of therapy, she was in every way participating in a classic Fucktardian falsehood.
(side note: a Fucktardian falsehood is when words and actions don’t match. It’s when the image projected does not match what is in someone’s heart. It’s the priests who abuse, the politicians who lie, and the rich, entitled ex-husbands who cry poor mouth to judges. It’s an irritating and completely harmful state of contradiction.)
When I first traveled to Fucktardia, I was so seduced by this image. My heart was longing for a cohesive family. Fucktards intuit this. I could not have possibly known at first the dark underpinnings and literal jail enmeshment is.
So yesterday, I was thinking about the woman who walked in to the picture after me…the one who is currently sucked in to Fucktardia and dating my former Fucktard. I go through all kinds of emotions…revisiting my rejection, myself being sucked in to what a perfectly blended couple they seem like, fear that she might be like Fucktardia Resident #1 as discussed above, feeling the abandonment again. Fucktardia is so seductive it can LOOK, for all intents and purposes, like YOU were the problem and there is no way this perfect, upright family could be wrong. He simply needed to wipe you off his shoe so he could upgrade.
This story gives important information. It’s like you forget what it was like in Fucktardia and Fucktardia was FUCKED UP. In my own Fucktardian fantasy life, I was cruelly mocked, emotional blackmail was the constant name of the game, I was gaslighted, I was lied to, called names, controlled, and I was treated like shit.
When I first saw him and HER, the woman after me, they were together at a festival. He had his arm crooked while holding a beer and talking with friends. His other arm was pinned to his side. She was buzzing around him, kissing his neck, touching him, completely enthralled to be in his presence. He was, in typical Fucktard fashion, indifferent. She has now taken on his hobbies and interests. She cares for him financially, possibly believing he cannot and even feeling sorry for him.
I remember this picture when I start asking myself, “What NORMAL woman would support a man who stops working so he doesn’t have to support his children? Who spent THOUSANDS of dollars on attorneys instead of on his children? Who, with dishonesty, makes an enemy of his ex wife? Who invested in control? Is she a Fucktardian too? Is she under the spell of lies and distortions?” I thought about why she would take him on his fifth week-long vacation, out of the country, and did she know that very week he complained to me about how he could not pay one dime toward the children’s school supplies? He could have been working and being a responsible parent. Did she know that she, too, is participating in making life harder for my children? Would she feel good about herself to know ALL the facts about how this well-endowed, “perfect” family drove their grandchildren/nieces/nephews/children to the brink of poverty? Are they happy-family lying on the beach, bank accounts fattened, while punishingly placing their scapegoat on the hamster wheel of trying to have enough money to buy food?
But I remember how Fucktards campaign in defense of their image, no matter how shaky it is, it is so seductive and alluring. I remember how they will lie to you and about you. I remember how Fucktardian #1 as written about above, painted me to be the most vile person on the planet, completely crazy and fucked up, totally deserving to be “put in my place”. That is textbook right there…the victim blaming and inability to take responsibility. It cost her some friendships, and that makes me sad.
The woman after me is not necessarily a “normal” woman. Either she is as bad as they are, or she is as bad as I was when I first entered Fucktardia, meaning, like me, she has healed nothing and has a whole host of issues related to trauma or insecurity or leftover pain from her own divorce. These issues make Fucktardia look like a pretty sweet place to be, and allow you to continue being a target for exploitation and oppression. Or a willing participant in abusing others, as the case may be.
I don’t excuse her enabling, or anyone else’s, but I understand the allure. I process it and I’m curious about it because that was once me. I sat idly by, not understanding, when they made fun of their own son for his sexuality. I felt horrible about that for a long time, and I never did apologize. He took it in stride, which is even more horrible that abusive behavior like that became normalized for him. Such is the reality of Fucktardia.
Fucktardia is not a good place, at all. But the more wounded of us end up there, sometimes several times, before we truly learn.
Leaving Fucktardia is a long process. It’s not a gentle one. It means you have to un-learn Fucktardian customs and learn or re-learn customs in your new lands. Your new lands you will traverse include Grace, Humanism, Compassion, Curiosity, Joy, Spirit, Healing, Growth, God, Love. It’s completely different and pure magic. Often I feel like a foreigner…just like I was never deeply welcomed into Fucktardia but was always made to feel like an interloper…a visitor in my own home…but I remind myself where my heart belongs and it is in lands of goodness and mercy.
For this reason, leaving Fucktardia has a very full feeling of homecoming. I leave you with the 23rd Psalm, a Psalm of homecoming: