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A Boss Ass Bitch Keeping It Real

I have taken a bit of a writing hiatus but am inspired by the onslaught of creativity and courage reflected by my fellow Psycholobitch.  She is truly a Boss Ass Bitch.  Releasing emotion, feeling, and thought is the whole point of our venue, yet I am struggling with an inner voice that screams, “don’t do it.”  This voice is a silencer and it believes that what is not released does not exist.  I have another voice that screams equally loud, “what is not released gets stronger,” and yet another that knows what is not released gets distorted and creates dysfunction.

My hope is that speaking for all these voices will somehow create some clarity within me as well as some hope within you.  I have been on maternity leave from my place of employment for almost a month and have been able to focus on quite possibly the most important work of my life.  I have a new baby.  The baby has what is considered in our world a disability.  Despite being full term, he has struggled to stay alive these past 2 weeks and is finally home from the hospital.  I love him deeply and profoundly…..just as I love his father.  This baby is a love child.

As much as I want to believe I’m a Boss Ass Bitch who can do it all, I’m struck by what is perhaps a result of my biology.  I want and need more than ever to have things in place.  I need to feel stability and security and have been reassured by other boss ass bitches that women are wired in this way….especially after giving birth.  Despite the barriers, I want to be married, have a home for all our children, and I want my new baby to have his father’s last name.  Regardless of the fact that “we’ve come a long way baby,” I have been particularly aware of the societal advantages of the status quo and quite frankly, I’m tired of not having them.

One day while sitting in the NICU, I felt an overwhelming desire to accept my reality and act accordingly.  My reality is that I am again a single mother; this time of 3.  I have one child who I do not see and have no control over this.  I continue to experience intense grief related to this specific reality.  This grief often intrudes into my daily life and impacts all my relationships.  A bright spot in my life is the relationship with a man who despite my efforts to push away, has become the love of my life.  There are many realities that must be accepted regarding him as well.  He is raising three children already, has cancer, and despite daily professions of love, lots of actual displays of commitment and support as well as actually verbalizing a desire to spend the rest of his life with me, has yet to do that long held tradition……the one that involves getting on bended knee.  I thought this post would center around the whole idea and history behind the proposal, but I sense it is taking a different turn.  I guess that topic is for another day.

Speaking of the many voices in my head (one could argue that we all have a touch of schizophrenia), I have several related to the whole idea of marriage as well as what could be involved in this huge endeavor of blending two dysfunctional families.  At least equally as strong as the voice that wants to go to bed each night with my husband after caring for our new baby together is the one that manages to stay in the moment.  This voice looks around at the life I alone have been able to create.  Although a struggle at times financially, I am able to house, feed and clothe my children without a partner.  I have finally learned to reach out to my natural supports and have a small group of people (mostly women but some men) who would do whatever it took to help me if necessary.  I have to highlight for the sake of the vulnerable reader out there the great caution I must take when reaching out to males other than the love of my life and my father.  Staying in reality means acknowledging the truth about our world.  I realize I am basing this on only my experience, however most of the time when a man wants to help you there is an expectation in return.  Even if it is not a sexual expectation, there is often an undertone of that man getting his sexual needs met.  This is harmful to my healing and I have to stay mindful of when this occurs.  My reality, at least in this moment is that I am a boss ass bitch.

My reality also involves a new baby who needs a lot of extra help including any help that having his father’s name and/or established paternity might provide.  My reality is that difficult conversations regarding child support and parenting time must be discussed.  My reality is that despite being a boss ass bitch, I struggle with verbal communication as well as conflict.  My reality is that I don’t have the best track record when it comes to having a successful relationship.  The reality is that no matter how much love two people have, there are probably gonna be some rough ass times.  My hope is that with the right amount of love maybe the rough times can feel more like rough moments.

The question remains, “where do I go from here?”  The phrase more will be revealed comes to mind.  Did I mention that the fruit of my labor has resulted in a deeper and more profound faith in something bigger than all the voices I spoke about?  The more I can acknowledge them and then let them go, the more peace I have.  With peace comes awareness that things are exactly as they are supposed to be.  Hard to look at this baby and believe otherwise.

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One thought on “A Boss Ass Bitch Keeping It Real

  1. A friend of mine posted about how she told a man she had a dream about him, and that there was this subtle expectation that the dream be of a sexual nature about that man, and how she wasn’t sure what to say. I’m sure we could list other subtle expectations too.
    I can’t wait to meet your sweet babe…congratulations and so much love

    Like

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