I have always had a problem with 50/50 parenting plans for several reasons. First of all, rarely are the parenting duties between two parents divided so strictly during a marriage. Children can freely attach to parents as befits their developmental stage in life. In a normal, healthy situation, sometimes a child prefers mom, sometimes they prefer dad, and they are allowed to have their preferences and trusted to meet their developmental desires and needs.
But when a man, and I will say man because it is most often the case. I’m not saying that the reverse doesn’t happen, because I’ve spoken with plenty of men who were the diaper changers and baby feeders while their ex was out doing god-knows-what. There are men who embody more traditionally feminine, nurturing traits and women who embody more masculine, domineering traits. But it happens more often that a narcissistic man is the one who tries to control the relationship between himself and his children, and punish his ex through control of the children.
In a narcissist’s world, in Fucktardia, children are just property. While it may look on the surface like he is a good father and loves the children, a narcissist is simply incapable of the selflessness love for a child requires. This selfishness hurts the children in myriad ways.
50/50 parenting in my experience does NOT, in most cases, reflect a man’s sincere desire to be a parent to his children. It reflects his desire to get out of paying child support at all costs. It reflects the Men’s Rights movement’s perpetuation of abuse through the system.
They paint a woman as crazy, angry, fucked up because she is having feelings, and incapable because she is having feelings. She is expected to be fucking Mother Teresa in the face of losing her children, the quality of relationship with her children, losing her financial stability and ability to provide for those children, losing her home and dreams of marriage, and finding out she’s been lied to all along. She is told to forgive, let go, ignore how it affects the children, and mindlessly accept the situation like a well-trained and disassociated automaton. I’m sorry, fuckers, but the correct response when children are being threatened by poverty, abuse, and dysfunction from a fucktard parent is not to be Zen and obsequious, it’s to go bat shit crazy with protection.
I’m not saying act like a crazy woman, but ignore the fuckers who tell you not to feel. Your power will be found in your feelings, your anger will cleanse, clarify, and purify your thoughts. Some women, after years in a relationship where she is told not to feel, NEED to get in touch with their feelings of anger so they can protect their children. They NEED to stop disassociating so they don’t roll over and play dead, which is what an abuser wants from you.
50/50 often involves a forced bonding with an already absent father. It involves completely rearranging a child’s natural attachment situation and ignores their needs and healthy development. It doesn’t do anything for a mother, who not only has to cope with her children being brainwashed over in Fucktardia, but has absolutely no emotional, financial, or parenting help whatsoever. It is a punishment, not a way for a father to step up. It is a burden, because she must now spend half of her life cleaning up his considerable relational messes with his children.
50/50 with a fucktard is fucked up and should never happen. A flexible parenting plan between two reasonable, caring, loving people does not insist on being 50/50. Normal people don’t have to do it that way. The only thing 50/50 does for me is save me $200 a month in food. That’s all. The kids don’t get an example of cooperation, they get an example of disrespect towards their mother. They don’t get what they need, they get what fucktard needs in the moment. They don’t get stability, they get shuffled back and forth like cattle. They get a bum deal but are told it’s fair for their DAD, with the bank accounts he has and the freedom he has to exploit. What’s fair for them? Must they be taught it’s all about him? Fuck that.
But when fucktards invade family court, this is the result. Family court then becomes some variation of its own Fucktardia, because Fucktardian principles are held firmly in place.
I’m convinced that the only way for you and your kids to not be totally fucked is to do your own healing work. That sincerely paves the way for your children to heal and be whole.