Do overs

Some things you don’t want to do over but because of life circumstance, you have to. Yet again, in a stellar instance of “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh”- Lord fucktard, that is- my agency over my life was reduced. I am yet again forced to subjugate myself for an abuser. It’s like having my own personal Trump where my ability to have basic needs met is threatened.

It’s the control over my life that is the trigger. It’s so difficult to go from the realm of psychology and therapy where his behavior and his family is classified as disordered and severely dysfunctional, to the legal realm where he is seen as reasonable and as having equal ability to make decisions for the good of his children as I am. Like a God, he has determined that my preferences and desires and concerns are illegitimate and he will bully to get his way. He would never work with me or listen to me.

It is exactly like the dynamics I had with my dad who was always gone and my mom who was critical of me. There was no one there to just love me. Over and over, this person reminds me how unlovable I feel, how utterly powerless over my own life, how anxious and distraught, how weak and sad and lonely I feel. It all washes over me in a big ‘ol ugly cry. The anger and the healing work feel like a heavy burden…I don’t want to deal with this knot in my stomach, with all the parts vying for attention, for the ultimately sad little girl in there.

A trigger-a re-enactment of childhood trauma is happening. Every fucking time he wants to see me suffer I go back to the others designed to make me suffer too. Fuck him for getting off on that. Who puts someone they loved through that? Who wants to make their children’s mother suffer in imagined retaliation? He is retaliating against me for what? Being emotional? Messy? More talented than him?

I decided I am going to take out the sweet emails…the ones where he said he’d work for us, where he called me “babe” and said I love you. I am going to write those messages over the nasty motions he’s filed over the five years since we’ve been divorced. I am going to draw a comparison of incomes and list his advantages. I am going to include a picture of my sweet children who are in the middle of this and who love their father but really don’t know what they are dealing with here. I am tired of being forced to bow down to an abuser and I am going to say something about it.


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