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Thanks a Lot, Motherfucker

Don’t sit there and act like no one SEES you. We know you are not who you say you are.

Everything I know about being a sincere, congruent human being I learned from you.

In fact, if you hadn’t abused me and covered me in your slimy shame and cruelty, I wouldn’t have gone down so far into my grief and powerlessness.

I give you credit, but not the credit you want, nor the “credit” you actually deserve. You will never take that credit because you cannot possibly remove yourself from your narrow, perfect view of yourself. You cannot remove yourself enough to understand what is actually happening, how your image of yourself does not match who you really are, how unstable and dishonest your existence is, how reactive you are.

You made an honest woman out of me. You took me so far down I had to find ways to get pissed off. First, I got anxious, and under siege, I began to learn how to stand up and fight back. When I was receiving 6-8 motions a month, and I could hardly believe it was happening, and how nasty you’d been all along but didn’t see it, how controlling and utterly cruel and oppressive and disgusting of a person you were, what an utter and complete fucktard, I did something about it. I had to choose how I was going to survive this crazy, fucked-up situation.

I went back to college.

I kept learning. I became stronger. It was a choice to live and be part of life and not part of abuse. You treated me like shit, like my perception was dumb, my ideas dumb, my accomplishments beneath you, and how I was in every was less important, not nearly as intelligent, and quite frankly, stupid. You thought I was stupid, like honestly and sincerely stupid.

My professors, women and men of integrity and intelligence, kept telling me how insightful I was. They encouraged me to write and they liked my ideas. They liked the way I thought and saw things. They kept giving me A’s. You who thought I was stupid, you who could barely make it through college, were dealing with a 4.0 woman and didn’t even know it. Only cared about putting me down and shoving me into the teeny tiny holes of your reptilian brain.

That’s right. I’m about to graduate college with a 4.0 and you helped me make this accomplishment. You could never have done that while we were married…your disorder took too much of my energy. your disorder still takes my energy, but hallelujah, because I do not live with you I can set it aside and be happy in my own house, with people who love me, and people who recognize that I am not stupid like you said I was.

Thanks, motherfucker. I realize now that was the most delicious kind of projection-where you said I was stupid, it was you. I was the smart one and still am. Where I was ugly and disorganized, I realized it was you. I’m human and too goddamn beautiful for the likes of you. Where you made me feel less than, I realized I could have more integrity and congruence in my little finger than you could hold in your whole lifetime. I know better what you are, and even more, I know who I am- a strong, delicious, loving woman of intelligence and integrity.

Thanks, motherfucker! I will always be better than you. You made me that way.

 

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