Yet again the system, the family court system, has shown its immense disregard for good sense, common sense, morality, and science.
At least in my case. Once again, an abuser’s habit was fed, using me as the drug from which to feed, using me in such a way that my humanity is a moot point. Luckily, he has allies that stand there with his drug of control, doling it out in great handfuls, only minding his wishes and desires. This is patriarchy incarnate: Father knows best, Mother be suppressed. And silenced. And used up.
It’s odd, you know? So much power given to man who has literally done nothing of import in his life. Oh he got a degree and a certification or two. But he is shiftless and lazy. He does not push himself to develop. He lives off his mother’s money. He has a whole team of people who empower him to be an absolute deadbeat. I ask myself, “why?”
What is the point, really? To prove he is more and I am less? Why??? What is the end result of that? He shows everyone he can manufacture an enemy? He feels bigger momentarily? He has mastered manipulation and exploitation?
I am dealing with a person who not only wants to control me, but in doing so, stands against everything I believe in my heart to be moral, upright, truthful, and good in this world. Absolutely stands against my humanity, my role as a mother, my right to make good in this world, my accomplishments, and my personality. Anything I do, say, hear, feel, believe, or will in this world, he also stands against.
Why?? I have analyzed it to death. It’s a disorder. Yes, I’ve been told that ad nauseum by psychology professionals, but family court professionals do not recognize psychology. He just doesn’t like me. He is out to get me because his mother suffocates him and he can’t escape enmeshment. He is wounded. He is insecure. He is a garden-variety asshole. He’s bored/abusive/obsessed with me.
There is no reasonable explanation for someone who is unreasonable and hateful. When hate takes hold of someone, there is no explaining it with your head, no comprehending with your heart, and no escape from the wounding of your spirit.
I heard once that your nemesis will teach you more about life than anyone else. But in none of the stories does the nemesis raise your children. There is always an escape from the magic, from the evil queen. There is always a buffer to protect you from your enemy until you have to face him. Will my children come to tolerate that their father was abusive to their mother? Will they condone how his behavior affected their lives-how exposure to a morally bankrupt man who is deeply misogynistic and patriarchical has shaped their world view? How their mother believes NO woman should ever be treated like their dad treats her?
I speak with my children about this. Their dad makes their mom cry. Their dad uses his mother’s million to inflict poverty on his mother (and his own children, by proxy). That he doesn’t respect their mother and plays manipulative games instead. That it will always be all about him. All this power given to a man who is worthless, who has done absolutely nothing with his life.
I don’t know, so far the lesson I’m learning is how to heal childhood wounds, how to get good and pissed off, and how NOT to be. I hope for the love to whoosh in and diminish this pain. I am so tired of being blamed and punished for his manipulations and behavior.