Yesterday, I had to see my ex. I was reminded full force of the person he really is…how small and insecure he is, how insignificant in the scheme of my life these days. I truly saw how petty, how immature, how self-centered he is and always will be. I noticed how strong I had become, how his immaturity didn’t trigger me any more, how I could speak up for myself and call out his lies. I noticed how he twists things and manipulates, how he grasps for power and dominance. I noticed his lack of intelligence and inability to see the bigger picture, or even understand how he’d contributed to his own life. I noticed how he was a person I could never respect or admire, only feel sorry for him, his family, and his girlfriend. He will constantly limit himself to enacting abusive attitudes and behavior.
This is how you know healing and maturity have come. You are able to assess a person’s character without being triggered. You see their smallness because at one time they were too big in your life. They make attempts to be big but just can’t ever reclaim that place of importance in your life. It’s not an ego thing, it’s more of a self-respect issue. For me, he represented the worst of my critical, controlling parents. I became a child in a full-on re-enactment of childhood violence. He cannot change and I remind myself of this constantly. He cannot widen himself to see his insecurity and posturing, to see how terrible his mother is and how cruel she is to him, how he adapts by becoming like her.
I can only change myself, and sometimes it is good to have these reminders of how far I’ve come. He doesn’t affect me like that any more. Divorcing a narcissist who insists on bullying you long after the divorce papers are signed is like staying in a war. I got relief from his harassment by divorcing him, and unfortunately, he has made himself into a person I am SO HAPPY to be away from. But finding my way to healing while being under constant attack has been very difficult. I am stronger, kinder, a little edgier and less trusting, and definitely smarter. My heart is so full of love and gratitude these days.
It feels good to really see and know what is true.