assholes · fucktards · Re-enactment

At the end

If you’ve been reading this blog, you will know that there are two authors, both of whom have had narcissism/cluster B tendencies  touch their lives in various ways-through parents and spouses. In my case, I was raised by a narcissistic father and spent years trying to make myself good enough for him. So it made sense for me to fold right in, lock-step, with a narcissistic husband, one for whom I was his project. There was literally nothing I could do that was good enough for him. And he’s the one who has kept the family court battle going.

One of my children’s therapists spoke of a conflict bond. That ex husband has a conflictual bond with his daughter, meaning, their whole relationship is built around a dynamic where he has to prove he is right and superior and completely obliterates her thoughts, needs, and feelings. It was a familiar dynamic for me in the marriage and it hurts to see my daughter learn this about men. For that reason, she no longer wishes to live with him. She understands he isn’t really parenting her-that he seeks to control rather than teach her, that he seeks to dominate rather than accept her for who she is, that he knows nothing of how to truly influence and guide her.

My brother, who is 49 years old, had Christmas at his house this year. I nonchalantly asked him how Dad was doing, since I don’t speak to my dad and I know he does. He rolled his eyes and said, “Dad looks out for Dad.”

At the end, this is what narcissists create with their children- and they only receive an eye roll, a dismissal. This is what they get for years of taking total shits all over people who love them, and who they are supposed to love and be responsible for. They have nothing to give, nothing to offer, and they lose the gifts of relationship.

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3 thoughts on “At the end

    1. If you’re questioning that you are a narcissist, chances are you aren’t. Are you void of empathy? I think that is the place to start. Otherwise, a test is needed to determine if you truly have NPD. But those with NPD very rarely even consider they might have a diagnosis.
      From the Mayo clininc (taken from the DSMIV):
      Signs and symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder and the severity of symptoms vary. People with the disorder can:

      Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance
      Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration
      Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
      Exaggerate achievements and talents
      Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
      Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people
      Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior
      Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations
      Take advantage of others to get what they want
      Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
      Be envious of others and believe others envy them
      Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious
      Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office

      In my experience, the disorder shows up most in relationships because a narcissist is a literal wall and cannot take in any information that counters his narrative about himself or anyone else. He is not relatable.
      If you look at that list, we all exhibit those traits from time to time. It’s called adaptation. I mean who doesn’t want a nice car? But there is a cruelty that underlies a narcissist, a deliberate denial of your humanity.
      Let me give you an example. My ex would say something deliberately cruel and hurtful, then “tune out.” I’d be left crying and wanting him to acknowledge that he just hurt me, but he would sit down and eat a sandwich as if I wasn’t in the room. He literally stonewalled me because I was hurt over something he said to hurt me. It was such a fucked up dynamic I can’t even…and that was not the worst of it. The deliberate fuckery of gaslighting, etc.
      Anyway, I can only tell you to seek a therapist’s opinion. In my healing, I’ve asked that same question of myself and for me, I realized it was because I had gone so far down into allowing my natural human needs to be obliterated I thought having a need or a healthy boundary meant I was a narcissist. It simply meant I was healing and coming out of the deep shit I was in.

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      1. I am astonished and grateful at the effort you’ve put into your heart-felt response. Thank you so much.

        It’s clear that I am not a narcissist; but I think that my best friend is very close to that. I’ve known him only two years, but we’ve actually spent a lot of time together, and most of that time he’s been talking, and mostly about himself and his interests. So I’ve often thought him a bore, which I see goes with the narcissism.

        But thanks again for your generous response.

        Alan

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