If you’ve been reading this blog, you will know that there are two authors, both of whom have had narcissism/cluster B tendencies touch their lives in various ways-through parents and spouses. In my case, I was raised by a narcissistic father and spent years trying to make myself good enough for him. So it made sense for me to fold right in, lock-step, with a narcissistic husband, one for whom I was his project. There was literally nothing I could do that was good enough for him. And he’s the one who has kept the family court battle going.
One of my children’s therapists spoke of a conflict bond. That ex husband has a conflictual bond with his daughter, meaning, their whole relationship is built around a dynamic where he has to prove he is right and superior and completely obliterates her thoughts, needs, and feelings. It was a familiar dynamic for me in the marriage and it hurts to see my daughter learn this about men. For that reason, she no longer wishes to live with him. She understands he isn’t really parenting her-that he seeks to control rather than teach her, that he seeks to dominate rather than accept her for who she is, that he knows nothing of how to truly influence and guide her.
My brother, who is 49 years old, had Christmas at his house this year. I nonchalantly asked him how Dad was doing, since I don’t speak to my dad and I know he does. He rolled his eyes and said, “Dad looks out for Dad.”
At the end, this is what narcissists create with their children- and they only receive an eye roll, a dismissal. This is what they get for years of taking total shits all over people who love them, and who they are supposed to love and be responsible for. They have nothing to give, nothing to offer, and they lose the gifts of relationship.