Calling it in

Winter was hard for me. I slogged along in my relationship with a severely emotionally unavailable man, accepting crumbs, noticing his dysfunctional behaviors such as gaslighting and even some emotional blackmail. A person like that leaves you hungry. I’ve looked at my part in the dysfunction, in my holding on and hiding behind. No one who is emotionally available seeks out a distant partner.

I’ve been aware that men like this keep me in a state of dissociation. My dating life has been defined and entangled in my court battle. I am so afraid. I am financially unstable, I fear losing my children to an abusive and controlling man, I am constantly denigrated in court for minor issues that are twisted to paint me in a negative light. I have never felt so much like giving up as I have this year, and have been actively pushing my ex to communicate his “bottom line” to stop his abusive behaviors.

Carrying all of that means I am not available to continue my cycle of being the one to emotionally carry an entire relationship. I cannot afford to be unsupported any more.

My daughters sobered me as they confronted me about my behaviors of focusing on men. This hole in my heart is real and feels huge at times. This focus on the wrongs and misdeeds of the men in my life, as directed towards me, has left me with a shit ton of pain to deal with. I have not dealt with it gracefully, and my addiction has been to relationships, to haphazardly fall into some situation of healing and grace and love. Right now, and for some years, it’s felt sticky and hard. I’ve been involved with a less than mediocre man, another wall, another pool of dysfunction.

This shit is real. How do I heal myself? How do I repair the hurt I gave my children in my choice of men and in neglecting their emotional needs? How do I learn to feel with my strong habit of dissociation?

I am confronting myself and asking these questions. I am pushing to be open to love, the truth of love and grace.


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