Inspired by my fellow Psycholobitch’s vulnerability, I am searching my memory for a part of me that repeats earlier patterns of rejection. I certainly relate to staying in abusive patterns both with people who are hot and cold as well as emotionally distant, even crippled. I’m currently in a marriage with a loving man, but I even sense his distance when I am feeling too much or expressing a feeling which he cannot handle. I am starting to get used to welcoming him into my physical and emotional space only to feel the wall of distance and rejection as he retreats into online poker or candy crush.
My eldest son shunned me when he felt too much emotion. Rather than confront his feelings, he chose to seek solace in the home of another emotional cripple. I’m not sure how much choice is involved when a child feels he must choose but regardless he has abandoned me and does not allow me to parent him. Clearly there is some repetition compulsion around the important people in my life and their fear of emotion.
I understand the avoidance of being engulfed by fear. It is all around me. It is within me. I think my earliest sense of fear may have been while in my mother’s womb. This unborn part carries the anxiety of a mother with 2 young boys praying not to have another. I can’t count how many times I was told how badly she wanted a girl. She was so fearful she couldn’t even accept being told she had a daughter. “Oh dont say it if it isn’t true” she said. Growing up and feeling her disapproval and rejection, I often wondered what it was like for her to get the daughter she always wanted only to realize she was nothing like her. This is a part of me for sure…..the daughter who never felt connected to her mother. Perhaps her burdens; specifically from adolescense, are directly related to my estrangement from my now teenage son?
I’m sure this early rejection does not make a recipe for high self esteem or self worth. Sometimes I think esteem is created and not developed….one decision at a time. We may not actually believe we are worth much but can act as if. Sometimes anger fuels our actions, and sometimes it’s grief. Always God intervenes and if we are lucky we get to see another birthday. God is in it all. “For through wisdom your days will be many and years will be added to your life.” Proverbs 9:11